Perspective | Carolyn Hax: When you know too much to like a friend's fiance - The Washington Post

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Oct. 24, 2007.

Hi, Carolyn: I am conflicted about my best friend’s upcoming marriage. She and the boyfriend got off to a rocky start, and, as her best friend, I heard all the gory details. However, they continued dating, and after less than nine months, he proposed. They are happy, and he seems nice enough. The problem is that I cannot forget, no matter how hard I try, about the negative picture she painted for the first six months. It is coming between us, and I can’t seem to keep the snarky comments to myself (not to her, but to mutual friends). I want to celebrate with and for my friend, but I can’t unless I let these issues go. Any advice?

— Letting Go Is Hard to Do

Letting Go Is Hard to Do: It is hard, I know, to let go of a bad first impression. It’s hard to see a friend with a guy you dislike.

Canning the nasty comments, though? Not hard. Which suggests you don't want to. Which means the question here is, why?

Maybe your friend is the one you have to let go. Not dump, but release, in the sense of accepting that she can't just drop everything for you anymore. She may still be your center, but you're not hers. Painful, maddening, sad, normal.

I say this because hanging on to her best-friendship of old would explain your temptation to dwell on that rocky start with her fiance, to nurse along secret hopes that her relationship really is doomed. You’re looking for him to screw up. The snarky comments to friends are invitations — which you probably rationalize as concern for your friend’s well-being — for people to report back to you with evidence supporting your cause.

If you love your friend, then stop. Stop looking for missteps, stop aching to be right, and realize the best thing for your friend, and therefore for your friendship, would be for you to be wrong.

Even if you are right and he's awful and the marriage tanks, then your friend will need someone to grieve with her — and she won't come to you if your unspoken “I told you so!” is whooping around the room.

Now that I think about it, I'll adjust my first suggestion — don't let go of her. Let go of you, of your personal stake in their failure. Maybe then you'll find yourself more willing to embrace them both as they are.

Carolyn: A friend has an almost constant problem with being late, and calling me minutes before we were supposed to meet to tell me she’s going to be another 15 minutes — not enough time for me to do anything but sit and wait. When I called her on it, her reply was that she can’t control my feelings or reactions to the “situation,” implying that I’m the one with a problem. She’s got an all-purpose “get out of jail free” card somehow. How can I deal with this effectively?

— Maryland

Maryland: A late friend is a forgivable nuisance; an unapologetic friend is a cancer.

If the situation is as you frame it, and she shows routine disrespect backed by an attitude, then it’s easy. When she places her get-out-of-jail-free call, send her to jail. Tell her you’re leaving/proceeding with the plans without her. Then do it.

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Perspective | Carolyn Hax: When you know too much to like a friend's fiance - The Washington Post
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