All of us have felt humiliation at one moment or another - it’s not a good feeling.
When people feel humiliated for any number of different reasons, it can lead to higher levels of aggression.
This article examines the role of humiliation in exacerbating these conflicts.
Intractable conflict expert, Jen Goldman-Wetzler, is the CEO of Alignment Strategies Group and author of the book, Optimal Outcomes. Here she explores how humiliation can cause people to become more aggressive, which may exacerbate conflict.
Humiliation vs Shame: What Triggers Them?
Humiliation occurs when an event happens that leads to the feeling of shame.
While shame is more of a private emotion that one takes on themselves, humiliation is the lowliness you’re subjected to within a public sphere.
There are two main trigger points for humiliation in a person:
- Social identity characteristic: A person can feel humiliated about his or her race, religion, nationality, gender, economic, educational background, etc.
- Personality characteristic: A person can feel humiliated about whether he or she is extroverted or introverted, domineering or good-natured, self-confident or insecure, etc.
Between these two trigger points, Goldman-Weltzer’s research shows that people are more likely to respond aggressively when they feel humiliated about a social identity characteristic than when humiliated by a personality characteristic.
Across genders, how people respond to those feelings of shame presents differently.
Women are more likely to bring a sense of shame inside of themselves, and feel sad or depressed as a result, while men are more likely to lash out and express themselves in a more aggressive fashion.
How Can We Address Humiliation And Prevent Aggression?
1. Acknowledge That Emotions Are Real And Can Affect Us Deeply
When someone comes to you with the raw feelings of humiliation, anger, or depression, take a minute to pause.
Try to understand where the feeling is coming from.
For example, if someone loses their job and perceives that loss as a direct result of their racial background, acknowledging the fact that America is becoming more racially, ethnically, and religiously diverse may raise their level of insecurity and cause them to feel threatened.
While it is not always an easy practice, it can help if you imagine yourself being similarly situated.
This practice of putting yourself in their shoes- also known as the practice of empathy- can help you to understand why they will feel humiliated; not only on their own behalf, but also on behalf of their family and of the entire group of people that their social identity represents.
2. Ask Yourself: What Can Be Done To Help Turn This Situation Around?
Specifically, ask how can you help create a win-win situation for parties involved over the long term period.
This can be particularly challenging when the initial emotional response from the humiliated party will make it more difficult for them to think rationally and they may have many unhelpful responses as a result.
Craft a more effective question by asking what can be done to help address the reason behind a person’s feeling of humiliation and, at the same time, how can everyone move forward.
Remember, the goal here is to help them feel as if they have reclaimed their dignity.
3. Be Proactive
In the heat of the moment, it is easy to feel flustered, overwhelmed, or caught off-guard in any given situation.
Being ill-prepared to handle someone else’s shame response can exacerbate the event and make things worse. Taking the necessary steps to prepare before there is a crisis will help you to be able to successfully navigate during a crisis.
So what can you do?
Analyze what makes people feel humiliated; Check on people’s behaviors both online and in person.
For example, we are able to track political extremist behavior, or attacks against any marginalized group by analyzing what people are posting online or saying in person against those whom they perceive have wronged them.
How Can We Avoid Shaming Another Person, Intentionally Or Inadvertently?
Express genuine care for others
Telling and showing others that you value your relationship with them can lessen any perception of malintent in the case you inadvertently cause someone else to feel shame.
Doing this constantly will also help keep the relationship strong and intact.
Genuine care can be displayed in how you check in with others after a difficult conversation, to make sure the relationship is good. Reaffirm the value that you see in the other person and the relationship.
Take responsibility for your own mess-ups
If you have discovered that you have inadvertently led someone to feel humiliated and ashamed, apologize.
The language you use in an apology is important and can mean all the difference between repairing the damage or making the situation worse.
For example, a simple change from “I’m sorry IF what I did made you feel bad “ to “I’m sorry THAT what I did made you feel bad” shifts the sense of responsibility to the person making the apology — as it should. It is important to take ownership or your error.
In all of these difficult conversations, remember, everybody makes mistakes. The key is in how you rise above it and recover.
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Click here to listen to the full interview with Dr. Goldman-Wetzler to learn more about humiliation and the root of division in American conflict.
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How Humiliation Can Exacerbate Conflict And How To Get Out Of It - Forbes
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