Do you take conversations for granted?
Whether it’s small talk with a colleague or that big discussion we need to have with a boss or client, we might anticipate them, we might think about how they will go, but very rarely do we think about how they are structured.
Creating a scaffold around our conversations - thinking about how we structure and construct them- makes a big difference. Designing our conversations means we can have better discussions, and better outcomes – whether that’s measured in the quality of our relationships or the size of our salary.
Daniel Stillman designs conversations for a living. By providing leadership coaching and leading workshops, Stillman works to transform how people lead and think through their conversations. He is the host of The Conversation Factory and author of Good Talk. He shared three tips for better conversations.
Use conversational models
We use models all the time when we are working. Whatever our job or goal, we will almost always have at least a mental model of what things should look like or how they will work. Sometimes that model will be a rough idea, and sometimes it will be a precise design — for example, whether you are playing Legos with your children, or building a huge industrial campus you will have an idea of how all the parts will fit together.
But, when we have conversations, we tend to freestyle.
Daniel highlights that using simple structures can help make conversations much more productive for both participants. A simple example he uses is the ‘rose, thorn, bud’ model. With this model he encourages people to look at what’s good (the flower), what’s not so good (the thorns), and what’s promising (the buds). Using this structure instead of a general ‘how are things?’ can help ensure that conversations share information that can result in action.
This does not mean that the conversation is a formulaic exercise of going through each. But instead of the ‘how are things?’ resulting in a generic and cursory response, it creates a framework from which things can be built. Starting with what’s going well, then finding out what’s going poorly, followed by what is exciting, creates opportunities to really find things out and identify how to make change.
Frame the conversations
Using models like ‘rose, bud, thorn’ are great, but it’s also important to think about how these are framed. Most people, for example, would think a rose is a good thing– they are beautiful and smell lovely. Establishing that as a frame for the conversation also sets a tone. It’s something that grows and something that needs nurture.
Now imagine the culture that would be created by using other models: ‘Win, draw, and lose’ might seem to have similar characteristics — looking at what’s going well, not so well and badly, but think about what it’s setting up. Is it about growth and nurture? Or are you inviting people to see things as a competition or a succession of zero-sum games?
Make sure the way you frame the conversation matches the way you picture that conversation.
Think about the invitation and environment
Daniel highlights that conversation is not just about the words. It’s about everything that is around them too. For example, this might be the silence between words and understanding when it’s important to leave that space so that others can talk. It can also be the temperature of the conversation and being aware of when things are becoming heated so that you can act to cool things down.
Much of this is set up by the invitation. Every conversation is invited, and how that invitation is made will set the tone for the conversation. An open question will get a different response than a leading one, just like pushing someone to respond will create a different environment than leaving the opportunity open. Daniel sees this as the key skill in conversations. As he puts it, “the art of invitation is the ability to frame a question intentionally.”
At a time when computers and Artificial Intelligence (AI) are replacing humans for some functions, Daniel believes conversations are the future of work, “our job is to shape the dialogue so that they make a good decision — to orchestrate meetings, to make sure the conversations that need to — happen.“
For those conversations to be meaningful, we can’t have them on autopilot; designing intentional conversations can be transformative for individuals and organizations.
Click here to listen to Daniel’s episode.
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How To Get More Out Of Your Conversations - Forbes
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