Dear Bonds,
My adult son hates when I give him advice. So I try to stay quiet, let him learn from his own mistakes, and wait until he asks for help, just as I tried to do when he was little. But as a father, I do feel I have valuable wisdom to impart. Take this weekend, when my son was making steaks for dinner. He didn’t warm up the grill before putting the steaks on! When I mentioned this—“Son, let me show you how I like to do it”—he snapped and told me to finish them myself. What did I do wrong? —Grilled in Chicago
Dear Grilled,
Oh dear. You’ve butted in between a man and his fire. I realize that the man in question is one whose diapers you once changed. That, as a father, you do have hard-earned knowledge to share. And that searing meat over an open flame seems like a perfect father-son bonding experience. But I’m afraid you need to tend to your technique a little.
My guess is you often offer unsolicited advice, probably not just to your son. I know you’re just trying to be helpful. So let’s come up with a plan to make sure your guidance is welcomed, and maybe even heeded. I want you to follow the Three A’s: Assess. Ask. Adjust.
Start with assess. You need to do a little research. Talk to a few people you trust—your wife or partner, a good friend, another child who isn’t always annoyed with your advice—and get their take on your feedback style. Do you give too much of it, or does it come across as harsh? This isn’t about analyzing your son’s response; it’s about examining your approach.
Now ask your son what you’re doing wrong. Maybe he feels as if you don’t see him as an adult or trust him to do something right on his own. Let him know you’re sensitive to his concerns. And explain why you like to give advice—maybe because it feels like a way to stay connected? Ask your son what his advice is to solve the problem.
Then adjust your approach, based on what you’ve learned. And remember that even well-intended advice can come across as criticism. So how you give it is as important as what it is. I am fascinated by a study I came across recently showing that people are more willing to accept feedback when it focuses on what they should do in the future, rather than on what they messed up in the past.
Share Your Thoughts
What approach works best for you when giving unsolicited advice? Join the conversation below.
How do you do this? Stop pointing out what you think your son is doing wrong. Praise what he has done right. (“It’s so wonderful that you made the time to have us over for dinner.”) Come up with a goal. (“I’d love to show you how your grandfather taught me to make an awesome BBQ roast.”) Ask for collaboration. (“I’ll try hard not to criticize. Will you forgive me if I slip? I love being your father.”)
Now, go fire up that grill.
In ‘Ask Bonds,’ I answer questions about relationships. Have a short question that you think others can relate to? Send it along to me at elizabeth.bernstein@wsj.com. Follow me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram at EBernsteinWSJ.
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How to Offer Unsolicited Advice Without Being Annoying - The Wall Street Journal
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